I have a confession to make. One reason I haven't written here in a while is because I have been dealing with a little inner turmoil for the past year. We are quickly approaching a day I am dreading with every ounce if my being, but as it draws nearer it actually draws my friend a little closer to my mind. I have only written a handful of times about the passing of my friend Cathy last year, but it isn't because I didn't want to talk about her, but because I just couldn't.
I am finally in a place where walking into my school doesn't send me into a panic and I can finally wear my purple dress again and not think about the last time I saw my friend at her funeral. I can now wear that purple piece of cotton and think about the hours we spent talking about what we were going to do that summer or who had given us an eye twitch that day.
I have missed her every single day, I can still remember the last thing I said to her as I was leaving our classroom that day before Easter break, and a day doesn't pass when I don't want to send her a text because my kid do something crazy.
I call it inner turmoil, but my husband the counselor would probably call it anxiety.
The worst part about all of this is it comes out of nowhere! I can be at the park playing with Mckinley and all of a sudden it hits me! Boom! My friend died and I am going to die someday! I am not going to exist! I am going to lose people I love someday! Holy crap my mind has been full of all kinds of doubts and fears and what ifs! And throw my precious girl into the mix and I am a big ole anxiety mess!!
This is the mess that has kept me from writing much about anything especially about loss. I just haven't been able to deal or process it in a healthy way and because of that I just stopped.
Then one day a little nun named Sister Cathy who always scolds me about getting my religious education hours completed (when a nun calls you on the phone it is scary) was teaching us all about Buddhism. Yes I said a nun teaching about Buddhism. We have been taking a class learning all about what the Catholic Church really teaches about other religions and trust you me it is completely different than what a lot of people actually think. Basically we all should live in harmony with each other end of story. I have loved learning about different religions and how we are all interconnected and this might have been my favorite class yet.
So we had moved from Hinduism on to Buddhism and we were learning how anyone can be a Buddha and that Buddha isn't any one person because a Buddha is anyone who has reached enlightenment. About this time Sister Cathy was passing around a few pictures and books and it was my turn to look at the book full of saying and words of wisdom from the Dali Lama. One thing I like to do some days when I am having a particularly long day at school is to grab my Bible and open it to a random page. I feel like God is speaking to me and somehow the words I open to are telling me exactly what I need to hear. So when it was my turn to hold this small book I opened it up and read the blurb on the page and this is what is said. "Death is a part of all our lives. Whether we like it or not, it is bound to happen. Instead of avoiding thinking about it, it is better to understand its meaning. We all have the same body, the same human flesh, and therefore we will all die. There is a big difference, of course, between natural death and accidental death, but basically death will come sooner or later. If from the beginning your attitude is 'Yes, death is part of our lives,' then it may be easier to face." I couldn't believe that this was the exact quote I opened to. It was like God was trying to speak to me through this book of quotes and was saying stop fearing death because it is going to happen someday no matter what. Get on with enjoying this life I have given you and when your time comes you will be so fulfilled that you will be ready to move on to your eternal life with me. It was like fingers were snapped in front of my face and I was not afraid anymore. No more what ifs, no more panic, no more anxiety just peace.