So Soon

Mama will be having her #5 out of 6 treatments tomorrow. It was supposed to be Friday, but since she would already be at the West as I so fondly call it they asked if she would like to go ahead and get it over with. They will be dropping 1 of her 3 medicines (paraplatin) and they are hoping this keeps her from getting so sick. We can only dream she will sail through these next 2 rounds with only being a little tired and of she is a little sick we can handle that. I pray this round she can stay at home and rest and not have to spend so much time at the hospital. 

Good news is after this she only has 1 more round!!!! How funny is it that I am already looking forward to her next round because after that everything feels like it will be a cake walk. She still has surgery and radiation to get through, but she is a tough cookie and she will sail right through those next 2 steps. 

You know what I am going to ask now. Lots and lots of praying. Just like I taught my babies this week it doesn't have to be a big prayer, but maybe just stop for a second. Close your eyes. And just be quiet for a moment. 

 Mckinley says thank you!

Back Again

Tonight I am spending the night with my mama and no this isn't a movie watching popcorn munching girls night in. This is a yellow gown wearing rubber gloved kind of night. 

Yup we are back in the hospital after round four of chemo. Everything seemed to be going good until her last day of steroids. And to just make things even better mama has received the gift of an infection called C-dif. I actually know what this is because my mother in law has had it a few times. I am not sure if I feel better or worse knowing this actual medical term. 

My sister has once again been an angel and has spent the past few nights with mama. It makes me feel good knowing she is here so much because she understands a lot more of this medical stuff and is very calm and level headed  when it comes to all of this. My aunt Debbie has also been an angel and has her very own wedding slaves! Whatever she needs done for my cousins wedding I will do. I will hang and make ANYTHING she needs! I am just happy i finally get to help out. It has been kiling me just sitting at home doing nothing, but bugging everyon calling and texting every hour to check in. I am honestly surprised with myself and all of this. I can admit that I do not have what you would call a stomach of steel. I do ok at school if someone barfs and yes I have been barfed on and the occasional bloody nose doesn't scare me. Now hospitals and blood and guts and other stuff I am not good with, but when it is someone you love you just kind of do it. I am sure she has done more and dealt with worse from me. 

Mama is sleeping now and hopefully she will sleep most of the night. I am just sitting here listening to the storm roll in face booking and pinteresting. I should probably try to get some sleep, but the message from my husband saying his parents had to come home early from their trip because the lady watching their dogs thinks she is having a heart attack at their house is way more interesting than sleeping! 

Hopefully tomorrow I can post about how much better mama's feeling and she will be going home soon. Keep those prayers coming and don't forget to sign up for our Race For The Cure Team!
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Update

Mama finally came home yesterday since after being there since last Thursday. I stayed again Wednesday night and it was a lovely surprise to see her chatting with friends when I arrived. She is still not 100%, but she is definitely feeling better than she was. Thank you all once again for sending all of your prayers and for everyone feeding my family y'all are saints. I would hate to see daddy waste away!

Hit Me

It is so funny how something so small can make such strong feeling creep up out of nowhere. The day was almost over and I just happened to check my mailbox at school and I saw a letter from Pantene Great Lengths thanking me for donating my hair this year. Some of you may not remember ,but we lots a teacher at school at the end of last school year to cancer and the day she passed was the day my mom's cancer diagnosis was confirmed. That was possibly one of the worst days of my life and Brent and I have already  awarded 2012 as the crappiest year of our lives. Between the cancer and Joan's job this year has sucked. I actually hate saying that because there has also been so much good that has happened this year, but I feel like the crap has outweighed the good. 

It is SO easy it is to forget how sick mom is when she is feeling so good.Then she gets sick again and it is like the bottom drops out. Mom had her fourth round of chem last Friday and we have all been holding our breaths waiting for her to get sick again and guess what bless her heart she is back in the ER. She isn't as sick as last time, but she is just not well. I still don't understand why the chemo affects her so negatively, but it really is killing her to save her. It really does blow my mind to know that this poison they are pumping into my mom is really working, but I honestly don't think I ever thought it would be this bad.

I feel kind of useless right now because there is nothing I can do to help. I can't make her feel better, I can't make it go away. I don't like being useless. I must be doing something at all times so I guess blogging about it is my way of doing something. I guess this is better than sitting around and fretting waiting for a phone call. Ha that's funny because I am still doing that and will be doing that all night. Sadly I just contemplated making some coffee because I know I won't sleep tonight so I may be posting again in a few hours.

Please keep mama in your prayers and pray that she get fluids and meds and is sent home to recover. Four down Two to go. October can not get here soon enough. I feel like we will all be able to breath again. Thanksgiving may actually be enjoyable knowing that she is past the worst and everything is down hill from there. We will be have a very large very loud party after her last treatment with lots of margaritas and everyone is invited!

If you get a chance check out and sign up for our Race For The Cure Team go sign up and come race with us.

Creedon's Crusaders
I shall be wearing these race day now we just have to make up a team t-shirt to go with.

Torn

My emotions have been all over the place these past 2 days. One second I have been on cloud 9 and the next second my heart has been broken for someone I love. 

First off I am probably one of the luckiest people I know because I have such great examples of what a woman and a mother should be like. It makes me sad some people don't have anyone to teach them these things and I am spoiled to have 2 strong women in my life. I can honestly say they have made me who I am today.

My mama had her fourth out of six rounds of chemo yesterday and after the last round all I can do is pray for God to give her strength to and patience during these next few weeks. I am so happy they are going to give her fluids today and everyday next week and I am hoping that is the answer to keeping her home and what I guess you can call well or as well as she can be right now.

My mother in law was also on my mind all day yesterday. Right now she is suffering a loss, but like the truly faithful woman she is she is more worried about the people around her than getting mad and throwing in the towel. She always helps me put life especially tough situations into perspective because it is such a waste of time and to be angry and to just give in and give up. She is truly the epitome of  the saying when the going gets tough the tough get going.

Now on to the other side of my emotion roller coaster  My precious, hard working, honest, devoted, lovable, kind, goodhearted, determined, hilarious, calm, rational, hunky, better half has accepted a new position within his company. He will soon be an Program Clinical Consultant.
Right now he is a Foster care supervisor and he is on call every four weeks, he gets the shaft when he team isn't doing their work, has awful hours, and is so stressed I think his heart might give out before 35. With his new position he will NEVER be on call and he has been on call since we got married 4 and 1/2 years ago, doesn't have to drive into dangerous areas of Memphis, and a little more money doesn't hurt. I had a good feeling about his interview this time no matter what Brent said. He never likes to talk himself up or acknowledge how truly amazing he is, but I am working on teaching him that it is ok to toot your own horn sometimes. If you are good at what you do and you do it well then go right ahead and give yourself a pat on the back. 

So can you see where I am coming from? I am torn between all of these emotions and I just don't know which one to land on. I think I am going to do what I usually do and just keep going until I crash and then I won't have a moment to really stop and think about it. During the week I am so busy with school and trying to be as organized and prepared as I can possibly be. For some reason whenever I am sad or whenever I am praying something our Bishop always says always pops into my brain and it makes me feel better. 

God is Good All The Time And All The Time God Is Good.

It is so true. No matter how awful life seems and how bad things get All The Time He is Good and All The Time He Is There. I am going to try to remember this during those time all seems lost and everything seems dark. I feel like after we have the bad weeks where there is crying and worry and doubt that he touches our minds and says you will forget hoe bad this was so you can be string again and make it through the next bump without dwelling on this and lumping it together. It is a gift he gives us to be able to forget for a little while how bad things were so we can handle the next round of yuck better. Kind of like what I always say about being pregnant. God makes us forget because if we remembered how sick, miserable, and how much it hurt no one would ever do it again. 

I am looking forward to what next week brings. I feel like it can't get any worse and it can only go up from where we have been. I am going to just keep myself busy and like I said before if I just keep going and never stop and sit down I will be just fine. 

A Moment

If I have said it before I have said it a million times. I really don't know what I would do without my precious husband. 

Right now I am taking a break from Parent Orientation work, Baby Girl, The House, Life. Just for a moment. I have sequestered myself in our tiny bedroom and I am quietly listening to some Beatle's music on Pandora and writing. Brent and Mckinley are playing in the den and from the sound of it they are having a pretty good time. I swear she only screams and fusses for someone to hold her when i am around. She is such a nut. he even got up with when Mckinley woke up last night around 1 he took her out in the den to wear her out a little and let me get a little sleep. 

I just need a minute to write and think and thankfully I am lucky that my husband has my tired back.

I haven't had a chance to write about what is going on with Mama, but she is in need of  a lot of prayers right now. We really thought she had this past round beat until she suddenly got very sick. My Dad and Sister ended up having to call 9-1-1 because they could not get her to the hospital by themselves and she has been there since Wednesday night. I honestly am not even sure if that i the right day. My days and nights feel so mixed up right now I honestly had to look back at the calendar to make sure. She is in a lot of pain and it breaks my heart to see her like this. My Sister has been an angel and has been staying the night with her which I know isn't pleasant because no matter how you try sleeping in a hospital room those couches are never comfortable.  Aunt Debbie has also been amazing and spent the first night with Mama and I think she will spend tomorrow morning with her. Daddy has been trying to get a little work done when he can and he spends most of his time with Mama and is there right now. I went up yesterday and spent a few hours with her which wasn't long enough for me. It kills me that inservice and school is starting because I can't be there like I was after rounds 1 and 2. 

So that is where we are right now. My Mama is very sick and needs every prayer we can send to her. Please pray for the doctors to figure out how to get her feeling better. Pray for 2 and not 3 more rounds of chemo. Pray for God to give her strength to get through all of this and feel better. Pray for my family and give us the strength to do everything we can for her. 

O Saint Peregrine, you who have been called "The Wonder-Worker" because of the numerous miracles which you have obtained from God for those who have had recourse to you, who for so many years bore in your own flesh this cancerous disease that destroys the very fiber of our being, and who had recourse to the source of all grace when the power of man could do no more: you who were favored with the vision of Jesus coming down from His Cross to heal your affliction, ask of God and Our Lady the cure of these sick persons whom we entrust to you. Aided in this way by your powerful intercession, we shall sing praise to God for His great goodness and mercy. Amen.

That's Life

Life has been a bit busy lately. 

We spent a week at the beach resting and recuperating. 

Mom had her second round of chemo and we have been keeping her company.

I have been finishing the last details for Mckinley's first birthday party.

I will hopefully do some blogging tomorrow about all 3 of these happenings.

Right now I am just plain tired so I might go snuggle in bed and watch my baby do some sleeping on our creepy video monitor.

Maybe I can try to drink 8 cups of coffee tomorrow to outdo my 7 from today.

If you have a minute could you please add my mama into your daily prayers. She is doing pretty good, but a few extra prayers can't hurt right.

Can you tell I am enjoying spending the summer with my love?

Danke Schoen

This is my Thank You Letter to anyone and everyone who has prayed, fixed meals, visited, or thought about my Mom and our family these past few months.

If you don't know my mom was diagnosed with Stage 3 breast cancer and it occurred very fast and we have all been thrown for a very big loop. Thankfully she has started treatment and we all look forward to the end. We are going to throw a big last day of chemo party!!

I know my mom is going to beat this and she will come out the other side even stronger then before, but I know she couldn't do it without lots of support. I am so thankful to all of her friends who have kept her spirits up especially at the beginning when everything was new and unknown. I can't begin to tell you how happy it made me to see a new card in the mail from the same friend who sent one the day before just to brighten up her day. 

Y'all will never know how much even the smallest things you have done mean to her and to us. 

I need to say a special thank you to my mother in law Joan, my father in law Carter and  Joan's sister Jean. We don't know what these next 2 weeks will bring and I know coming home to a freezer full of delicious home cooked meals will make whatever is to come so much easier. And no one will have to eat Chinese food for a while.

To all of our friends who have had parents that have gone through this it means so much to Jennifer and I that you have reached out to us. We know we aren't alone and we know we always have someone to talk to. And to our friends who have just been there for us Thank You more then you will ever know.

To Cindy, Thank you Thank You Thank You for mom's beautiful quilt. The day it arrived was an especially difficult time. Things were not going great and mom was feeling pretty sick. I could tell that she couldn't believe that someone so far away could be thinking about her. Just knowing there are people out there that don't even know her, but know what she is going through and praying for her is such a powerful thing.

Mckinley snuggling with mom and her new quilt

I think my mom said the most profound thing to me about all of this. She went to church while we were at the beach this past week and she said she felt like the priest was speaking to her. His sister had been diagnosed with cancer and he had of course started praying to God to heal her, but he realized he was Holding God Hostage because he would say "If you do this for me God I will do this for you" and that is not the way he wanted to pray. He wanted to Thank God for everything he had already done for him and pray for the strength of his sister and those working to help make her better. As she was saying this I realized this was exactly how I had been praying. "Lord if you make my mom better I will become a better Catholic, I will not only pray when I want something, I will be more kind to those who do me wrong, I will be a better mom, wife, daughter, person." Needless to say I don't pray like this anymore. I thank God everyday for the cancer not spreading, for living in Memphis with some of the best cancer treatment centers and doctors, to give her strength and humor through out all of this, to keep her faith strong, and to heal her body. Let's just say I pray a lot more these days and even after this is all over this has become a part of me and I am thankful for that.

If I haven't been able to tell you in person

THANK YOU!

In Treatment

Mom's first treatment was July 21. She had been waiting what felt like and eternity for them to confirm her second biopsy results (these were for the trial study developing a vaccine for cancer). Finally she decided screw the trial I want to get things started. So we emailed the nurse and said she was ready and to move forward with whatever came next. Fast forward to the next day. Around noonish my sister called to tell me they had called that morning and they had finally gotten her results back and she was a trial candidate and she would start chemo THAT DAY. Praise the Lord something was finally happening.

Now this all feels really real. I know it should already feel real, but it has all happened so fast and yet so slow. Am I making any sense? Try and keep up with my brain. 

They didn't get to finish her treatment Thursday so she needed to go back Friday and I got to pick her up after she was done. They gave her 2 medicines the first day, and the third one the second day. She is such a  trooper for sitting still that long because if you know my mom you know sitting still is not easy for her. I think that is the toughest part of her treatment for me is her not being able to get up and go, but I know she will be back to herself in no time.

Cancer is such a weird disease because the cancer doesn't make you feel sick usually, the medicine to get rid of the cancer makes you sick. Stupid cancer.

Mom has done amazing these past few days after her first round. She has had some symptoms from being extremely fatigued, strong flu like symptoms, body ache, and just feeling off and I know she is being strong for us because she is a hard ass. She is such a bad patient though because she can't be still, but I think that is actually helping her feel a little better. Getting up and showering and moving around seems to get her juices pumping and get her appetite going a little.

I feel like I am going to start making her crazy soon. I am like and overbearing stage mom asking her every 5 seconds if she is ok or if she needs anything. She is going to start asking me to drop the baby off and leave because I am making her nuts.

I have been researching different things she can take with her during her treatments and things that could help her side affects. It is weird to say I have been pinning stuff on my Pinterest, but I don't want to forget them. I thought about making a Cancer Sucks! board, but thought that might be a little weird for everyone who follows me to see "Roxanne Pinned such and such to Cancer Sucks!" That might be kind of a downer. I found a ton of great ideas from socks and gloves, to lemon drops, to fun things to celebrate the milestones. I think the most amazing thing I found on the internet was a community of people who don't even know my mom, but are praying for her everyday.

The most incredible connection I have made came from a picture on Pinterest that sparked an idea for a laundry room redo. I found This picture and posted a message on the blog asking if it was ok to use this picture as my inspiration for my redo. I never expected a reply because this post was from 2011. Imagine my surprise when I received and email back from Cindy at Cameras and Chaos saying she would love to see   it when I was finished.

Of course I am a blog whore (not a nice term, but it fits) and when I find a blog I like I add it to my blog list and I love going back and reading past posts. I am on a redo kick at Le Casa Team D and let me tell you I have found a TON of inspiration on this blog.

So fast forward to more blog reading and I come across a post all about how she makes quilts and gives them to people going through chemotherapy treatments and that just hit home with me. Ever since having Mckinley I am a crier and I have never really been a crier and now with everything going on I am a crier times 1000 so of course I am crying reading her post and I leave her a message about how awesome she is. Wouldn't you know she is sending my mama her very own quilt. Shhhh she doesn't know and I am hoping she doesn't read this until I give it to her. Do you think she might be a little bit surprised? I can't wait to take some picture of her all snuggled up in it. Que more crying when I got that email. I can't even watch a Baby Story anymore because I am a sobbing hormonal mess everytime!

It makes me sad that something like cancer brings people together because no one should have to go through this, but then it makes me happy to know this is bringing people together. I keep telling my mom she has a ton of people she has never even met out there praying for her.

It is still so weird to be writing about cancer and everything going on, but reading other people's experiences with it especially the people in the family of someone going through all of this has been really helpful to me so maybe I can be helpful to someone else.

Thankfully we have the BEST medicine for every ailment.

Mrs. Sassy Pants! I wish we could bottle her up as the cure all for everything!

Another good medicine will be a week at the beach. I think we all need a mental break from reality for a while.