Processing

I have not really let my mind process what is going to happen tomorrow. I have kind of been waiting for a chance to write it out, but haven't gotten a chance until today and I am sure little lady will be moseying on in here in just a second, yup there she is, to help me type. 

Tomorrow my mom will have her double mastectomy. I can't believe this day is already here. I feel like it has been years since this all started and yet it has flown by. I know I keep saying that, but that is the only way to explain this whole process.

This is happening TOMORROW! I can not imagine what she is thinking about tonight or how she is feeling. I wish I could be there to talk about everything. I wish I was with Mama tonight to talk about everything even though she hates talking about how she feels,but I make her do it anyways. I am not sure if it is to make her or myself feel better, but I love that we can just talk about things.

My brain still won't let me process what is going to happen tomorrow even now after writing about it. It still feels good to get it out and I look forward to posting an update tomorrow that they removed all of the bad shit and things went beautifully. Step II in the get rid of the cancer battle will be done and then she is off to radiation and reconstruction. Juts a few more steps and this is all over.

What was life like before this. I fell like 2012 has been a dream and once it is over we can all go back to normal life. Will things be normal after this or will we all be different? Will we all be better or stronger after all of this? Will we appreciate these short lives we get to live more after this? You just don't know what this experience is like until you are in it or have gone through it and I pray no one else I know ever knows how it feels.

. I know this post is random and choppy, but my brain just can not function at full capacity and this is honestly how it is functioning tonight. This is all I have in me and all I can do for tonight.

Once again any and all prayers are always appreciated. I don't know if I can pray anymore so I may need y'all to back me up for a few days or so.

So Soon

Mama will be having her #5 out of 6 treatments tomorrow. It was supposed to be Friday, but since she would already be at the West as I so fondly call it they asked if she would like to go ahead and get it over with. They will be dropping 1 of her 3 medicines (paraplatin) and they are hoping this keeps her from getting so sick. We can only dream she will sail through these next 2 rounds with only being a little tired and of she is a little sick we can handle that. I pray this round she can stay at home and rest and not have to spend so much time at the hospital. 

Good news is after this she only has 1 more round!!!! How funny is it that I am already looking forward to her next round because after that everything feels like it will be a cake walk. She still has surgery and radiation to get through, but she is a tough cookie and she will sail right through those next 2 steps. 

You know what I am going to ask now. Lots and lots of praying. Just like I taught my babies this week it doesn't have to be a big prayer, but maybe just stop for a second. Close your eyes. And just be quiet for a moment. 

 Mckinley says thank you!

Back Again

Tonight I am spending the night with my mama and no this isn't a movie watching popcorn munching girls night in. This is a yellow gown wearing rubber gloved kind of night. 

Yup we are back in the hospital after round four of chemo. Everything seemed to be going good until her last day of steroids. And to just make things even better mama has received the gift of an infection called C-dif. I actually know what this is because my mother in law has had it a few times. I am not sure if I feel better or worse knowing this actual medical term. 

My sister has once again been an angel and has spent the past few nights with mama. It makes me feel good knowing she is here so much because she understands a lot more of this medical stuff and is very calm and level headed  when it comes to all of this. My aunt Debbie has also been an angel and has her very own wedding slaves! Whatever she needs done for my cousins wedding I will do. I will hang and make ANYTHING she needs! I am just happy i finally get to help out. It has been kiling me just sitting at home doing nothing, but bugging everyon calling and texting every hour to check in. I am honestly surprised with myself and all of this. I can admit that I do not have what you would call a stomach of steel. I do ok at school if someone barfs and yes I have been barfed on and the occasional bloody nose doesn't scare me. Now hospitals and blood and guts and other stuff I am not good with, but when it is someone you love you just kind of do it. I am sure she has done more and dealt with worse from me. 

Mama is sleeping now and hopefully she will sleep most of the night. I am just sitting here listening to the storm roll in face booking and pinteresting. I should probably try to get some sleep, but the message from my husband saying his parents had to come home early from their trip because the lady watching their dogs thinks she is having a heart attack at their house is way more interesting than sleeping! 

Hopefully tomorrow I can post about how much better mama's feeling and she will be going home soon. Keep those prayers coming and don't forget to sign up for our Race For The Cure Team!
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Update

Mama finally came home yesterday since after being there since last Thursday. I stayed again Wednesday night and it was a lovely surprise to see her chatting with friends when I arrived. She is still not 100%, but she is definitely feeling better than she was. Thank you all once again for sending all of your prayers and for everyone feeding my family y'all are saints. I would hate to see daddy waste away!

Hit Me

It is so funny how something so small can make such strong feeling creep up out of nowhere. The day was almost over and I just happened to check my mailbox at school and I saw a letter from Pantene Great Lengths thanking me for donating my hair this year. Some of you may not remember ,but we lots a teacher at school at the end of last school year to cancer and the day she passed was the day my mom's cancer diagnosis was confirmed. That was possibly one of the worst days of my life and Brent and I have already  awarded 2012 as the crappiest year of our lives. Between the cancer and Joan's job this year has sucked. I actually hate saying that because there has also been so much good that has happened this year, but I feel like the crap has outweighed the good. 

It is SO easy it is to forget how sick mom is when she is feeling so good.Then she gets sick again and it is like the bottom drops out. Mom had her fourth round of chem last Friday and we have all been holding our breaths waiting for her to get sick again and guess what bless her heart she is back in the ER. She isn't as sick as last time, but she is just not well. I still don't understand why the chemo affects her so negatively, but it really is killing her to save her. It really does blow my mind to know that this poison they are pumping into my mom is really working, but I honestly don't think I ever thought it would be this bad.

I feel kind of useless right now because there is nothing I can do to help. I can't make her feel better, I can't make it go away. I don't like being useless. I must be doing something at all times so I guess blogging about it is my way of doing something. I guess this is better than sitting around and fretting waiting for a phone call. Ha that's funny because I am still doing that and will be doing that all night. Sadly I just contemplated making some coffee because I know I won't sleep tonight so I may be posting again in a few hours.

Please keep mama in your prayers and pray that she get fluids and meds and is sent home to recover. Four down Two to go. October can not get here soon enough. I feel like we will all be able to breath again. Thanksgiving may actually be enjoyable knowing that she is past the worst and everything is down hill from there. We will be have a very large very loud party after her last treatment with lots of margaritas and everyone is invited!

If you get a chance check out and sign up for our Race For The Cure Team go sign up and come race with us.

Creedon's Crusaders
I shall be wearing these race day now we just have to make up a team t-shirt to go with.

Sharing Is Caring

I know I do some updates on my Mama here on my blog, but today she asked me if I would set up a CaringBridge
site for her friends to be able to check. I will be posting updates on mom's treatment and recovery here as well as her site and I will periodically post links to the website here and on facebook in case anyone needs it.

Today has been a good day. We are watching a movie and just had a little lunch which if you knew how sick Mama has been the past few days you would know that is pretty awesome!

Please send her prayers for her next round of chemo. We are hoping the Dr's. are even more vigilant than they have been and we can keep her from getting so dehydrated which seems to be what is keeping her so sick.

Thank you to everyone who has prayed, sent flowers, treats, cards, meals, or done anything else for our family over these past few months.

If you ever have a friend or loved one going through anything like this the most important things I have learned that you can do are

1. Don't hover over them, but check in on them. Mom likes having company, but just talking wears her out so we chat for a bit, but I try to leave her alone until she asks for me.
2. Easy freezer meals that aren't spicy, greasy, rich, and are nutritious are the best thing you can fix for a family in need of feeding. Mom may not be able to eat everything everyone fixes, but this has been a wonderful resource for dad and Jen. this may be the #1 thing you can do for a family in need, but check and make sure they aren't overwhelmed with meals. Mom's friends have coordinated a schedule which has been awesome.
3. Helping out around the house while you visit might not seem like much, but just cleaning off a counter or emptying the dishwasher can be a huge help to a family experiencing illness.

The biggest thing you can do for someone in need is of course to pray for them which I believe with all my heart works.

Simple Thanks

For our restful sleep at night,

For the rain and sunshine bright,

For the love that Thou dost send,

For our homes and for each friend,

For the day and all its pleasures,

Grateful thanks I render now.

May our lives pass on the blessings,

None can give to us, but Thou.

Amen.

Woosah

My last post feels like a million years ago.
These past few days have been very long since in service started. Now that Parent Orientation is over and I only turned 5 shades of red and not 10 speaking in front of all of my parents I feel like I can breath. 

I can also breath because my Mama is home.

Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

They released her tonight around 6ish.

I haven't seen her since Sunday and since I have the say off tomorrow (thank you holy day) I get to spend all day with her and I can't wait! Little Lady will be spending the day at Julie's so we can just relax.

Now I am going to finish my second glass of wine and relax because I haven't been able to do that for a few days.

I am also going to go decide what I am going to wear this Friday on my date to Duran Duran. Don't worry I am going with a lady friend also know as "The Other Roxanne". 

A Moment

If I have said it before I have said it a million times. I really don't know what I would do without my precious husband. 

Right now I am taking a break from Parent Orientation work, Baby Girl, The House, Life. Just for a moment. I have sequestered myself in our tiny bedroom and I am quietly listening to some Beatle's music on Pandora and writing. Brent and Mckinley are playing in the den and from the sound of it they are having a pretty good time. I swear she only screams and fusses for someone to hold her when i am around. She is such a nut. he even got up with when Mckinley woke up last night around 1 he took her out in the den to wear her out a little and let me get a little sleep. 

I just need a minute to write and think and thankfully I am lucky that my husband has my tired back.

I haven't had a chance to write about what is going on with Mama, but she is in need of  a lot of prayers right now. We really thought she had this past round beat until she suddenly got very sick. My Dad and Sister ended up having to call 9-1-1 because they could not get her to the hospital by themselves and she has been there since Wednesday night. I honestly am not even sure if that i the right day. My days and nights feel so mixed up right now I honestly had to look back at the calendar to make sure. She is in a lot of pain and it breaks my heart to see her like this. My Sister has been an angel and has been staying the night with her which I know isn't pleasant because no matter how you try sleeping in a hospital room those couches are never comfortable.  Aunt Debbie has also been amazing and spent the first night with Mama and I think she will spend tomorrow morning with her. Daddy has been trying to get a little work done when he can and he spends most of his time with Mama and is there right now. I went up yesterday and spent a few hours with her which wasn't long enough for me. It kills me that inservice and school is starting because I can't be there like I was after rounds 1 and 2. 

So that is where we are right now. My Mama is very sick and needs every prayer we can send to her. Please pray for the doctors to figure out how to get her feeling better. Pray for 2 and not 3 more rounds of chemo. Pray for God to give her strength to get through all of this and feel better. Pray for my family and give us the strength to do everything we can for her. 

O Saint Peregrine, you who have been called "The Wonder-Worker" because of the numerous miracles which you have obtained from God for those who have had recourse to you, who for so many years bore in your own flesh this cancerous disease that destroys the very fiber of our being, and who had recourse to the source of all grace when the power of man could do no more: you who were favored with the vision of Jesus coming down from His Cross to heal your affliction, ask of God and Our Lady the cure of these sick persons whom we entrust to you. Aided in this way by your powerful intercession, we shall sing praise to God for His great goodness and mercy. Amen.

Mama Mia

You might be wondering why I haven't really been posting about my mama and how she is doing. Well I have been a little busy and most of the posts I have written have been in the works for quite sometime and I just haven't been able to emotionally work myself up to writing this post.

I think I am ready now.

First off my mom is kicking cancers behind! Last week before her third round of chemo she met with her oncologist which was their first meeting since her initial appointment. Let's refresh our memories about mom's cancer. She has stage 3a breast cancer and she had 2 tumors side by side the size of a lemon that had metastasized to her lymph nodes. Scary stuff right. Well she may just be known from now on as  a medical miracle because her doctor couldn't feel anything this time! Now they have been VERY aggressive with her treatment  and I am not going to lie she has done awesome, but she has been very very sick. After each round of chemo she has had affects for 10 days. Imagine being nauseous and not being able to eat for 10 days and then feeling great and then having to do it all over again. Thankfully she is a tough cookie because I don't know if I could do it. 

Thankfully this time they are trying a few new medicines and besides being extremely tired she is not feeling sick! I can hear a chorus of angels singing the Hallelujah Chorus! Her doctor also mentioned since she her tumors are reacting so well to treatment they may cut her last treatment they had planned which means instead of 3 more rounds she would only have 2 which would be Awesome!

She still has a long road ahead of her with her last rounds of chemo, surgery, and radiation, but she will kick some more butt and get through this!

A special Thank You to Lauren Miller who made mama some beautiful Thank you cards. Thankfully she has some wonderful friends and family who are sending delicious food, beautiful flowers, and sweet cards so she will definitely be needing those.

Love you Mama! Keep kicking butt!

Danke Schoen

This is my Thank You Letter to anyone and everyone who has prayed, fixed meals, visited, or thought about my Mom and our family these past few months.

If you don't know my mom was diagnosed with Stage 3 breast cancer and it occurred very fast and we have all been thrown for a very big loop. Thankfully she has started treatment and we all look forward to the end. We are going to throw a big last day of chemo party!!

I know my mom is going to beat this and she will come out the other side even stronger then before, but I know she couldn't do it without lots of support. I am so thankful to all of her friends who have kept her spirits up especially at the beginning when everything was new and unknown. I can't begin to tell you how happy it made me to see a new card in the mail from the same friend who sent one the day before just to brighten up her day. 

Y'all will never know how much even the smallest things you have done mean to her and to us. 

I need to say a special thank you to my mother in law Joan, my father in law Carter and  Joan's sister Jean. We don't know what these next 2 weeks will bring and I know coming home to a freezer full of delicious home cooked meals will make whatever is to come so much easier. And no one will have to eat Chinese food for a while.

To all of our friends who have had parents that have gone through this it means so much to Jennifer and I that you have reached out to us. We know we aren't alone and we know we always have someone to talk to. And to our friends who have just been there for us Thank You more then you will ever know.

To Cindy, Thank you Thank You Thank You for mom's beautiful quilt. The day it arrived was an especially difficult time. Things were not going great and mom was feeling pretty sick. I could tell that she couldn't believe that someone so far away could be thinking about her. Just knowing there are people out there that don't even know her, but know what she is going through and praying for her is such a powerful thing.

Mckinley snuggling with mom and her new quilt

I think my mom said the most profound thing to me about all of this. She went to church while we were at the beach this past week and she said she felt like the priest was speaking to her. His sister had been diagnosed with cancer and he had of course started praying to God to heal her, but he realized he was Holding God Hostage because he would say "If you do this for me God I will do this for you" and that is not the way he wanted to pray. He wanted to Thank God for everything he had already done for him and pray for the strength of his sister and those working to help make her better. As she was saying this I realized this was exactly how I had been praying. "Lord if you make my mom better I will become a better Catholic, I will not only pray when I want something, I will be more kind to those who do me wrong, I will be a better mom, wife, daughter, person." Needless to say I don't pray like this anymore. I thank God everyday for the cancer not spreading, for living in Memphis with some of the best cancer treatment centers and doctors, to give her strength and humor through out all of this, to keep her faith strong, and to heal her body. Let's just say I pray a lot more these days and even after this is all over this has become a part of me and I am thankful for that.

If I haven't been able to tell you in person

THANK YOU!

In Treatment

Mom's first treatment was July 21. She had been waiting what felt like and eternity for them to confirm her second biopsy results (these were for the trial study developing a vaccine for cancer). Finally she decided screw the trial I want to get things started. So we emailed the nurse and said she was ready and to move forward with whatever came next. Fast forward to the next day. Around noonish my sister called to tell me they had called that morning and they had finally gotten her results back and she was a trial candidate and she would start chemo THAT DAY. Praise the Lord something was finally happening.

Now this all feels really real. I know it should already feel real, but it has all happened so fast and yet so slow. Am I making any sense? Try and keep up with my brain. 

They didn't get to finish her treatment Thursday so she needed to go back Friday and I got to pick her up after she was done. They gave her 2 medicines the first day, and the third one the second day. She is such a  trooper for sitting still that long because if you know my mom you know sitting still is not easy for her. I think that is the toughest part of her treatment for me is her not being able to get up and go, but I know she will be back to herself in no time.

Cancer is such a weird disease because the cancer doesn't make you feel sick usually, the medicine to get rid of the cancer makes you sick. Stupid cancer.

Mom has done amazing these past few days after her first round. She has had some symptoms from being extremely fatigued, strong flu like symptoms, body ache, and just feeling off and I know she is being strong for us because she is a hard ass. She is such a bad patient though because she can't be still, but I think that is actually helping her feel a little better. Getting up and showering and moving around seems to get her juices pumping and get her appetite going a little.

I feel like I am going to start making her crazy soon. I am like and overbearing stage mom asking her every 5 seconds if she is ok or if she needs anything. She is going to start asking me to drop the baby off and leave because I am making her nuts.

I have been researching different things she can take with her during her treatments and things that could help her side affects. It is weird to say I have been pinning stuff on my Pinterest, but I don't want to forget them. I thought about making a Cancer Sucks! board, but thought that might be a little weird for everyone who follows me to see "Roxanne Pinned such and such to Cancer Sucks!" That might be kind of a downer. I found a ton of great ideas from socks and gloves, to lemon drops, to fun things to celebrate the milestones. I think the most amazing thing I found on the internet was a community of people who don't even know my mom, but are praying for her everyday.

The most incredible connection I have made came from a picture on Pinterest that sparked an idea for a laundry room redo. I found This picture and posted a message on the blog asking if it was ok to use this picture as my inspiration for my redo. I never expected a reply because this post was from 2011. Imagine my surprise when I received and email back from Cindy at Cameras and Chaos saying she would love to see   it when I was finished.

Of course I am a blog whore (not a nice term, but it fits) and when I find a blog I like I add it to my blog list and I love going back and reading past posts. I am on a redo kick at Le Casa Team D and let me tell you I have found a TON of inspiration on this blog.

So fast forward to more blog reading and I come across a post all about how she makes quilts and gives them to people going through chemotherapy treatments and that just hit home with me. Ever since having Mckinley I am a crier and I have never really been a crier and now with everything going on I am a crier times 1000 so of course I am crying reading her post and I leave her a message about how awesome she is. Wouldn't you know she is sending my mama her very own quilt. Shhhh she doesn't know and I am hoping she doesn't read this until I give it to her. Do you think she might be a little bit surprised? I can't wait to take some picture of her all snuggled up in it. Que more crying when I got that email. I can't even watch a Baby Story anymore because I am a sobbing hormonal mess everytime!

It makes me sad that something like cancer brings people together because no one should have to go through this, but then it makes me happy to know this is bringing people together. I keep telling my mom she has a ton of people she has never even met out there praying for her.

It is still so weird to be writing about cancer and everything going on, but reading other people's experiences with it especially the people in the family of someone going through all of this has been really helpful to me so maybe I can be helpful to someone else.

Thankfully we have the BEST medicine for every ailment.

Mrs. Sassy Pants! I wish we could bottle her up as the cure all for everything!

Another good medicine will be a week at the beach. I think we all need a mental break from reality for a while. 

The C Word

These past few weeks have been quite a whirlwind. I haven't told too many people because we weren't sure what was really going on and we wanted to be 100% for sure what was going on before causing a panic. Thankfully we got some really great news yesterday (I guess it is the best news you can get about this sort of thing), but to me it is the best news I have ever heard in my entire life.

I guess we should start from the beginning which is only a week or two ago. I told you this has all happened really fast.

Some of you may know that our school family lost someone special the Saturday June 2. This was such a tough emotional day already, but what made it even more difficult was finding out the day before that my mom's cancer was confirmed. My sister and I had only recently found out what was going on and sadly my parent's hadn't even know that long. This came about so fast which made it even scarier. Basically from November to May a lump had grown which means this was something pretty aggressive and pretty scary. 

It is so funny writing about all of this because these words in no shape form or fashion could ever convey my true feelings. I will not type the words or how I actually feel because I could make a sailor blush right now.

fast forward to last week when we I went with my mom and dad to meet her surgeon. You might be thinking we did this a little backwards. Typically you would meet your oncologist first and be referred to a surgeon but we were so thankful to get in to see him so fast because he is the best and I feel like he helped refer us to the best oncologist. We still had no clue what was really going on at this time since mom had not had any scans done and we did not know the extent of how far this had all spread. The fear of the unknown is the worst feeling I have ever felt in my life. I am usually a positive person, but you mess with my Mama and I am a mess. 

Finally Mom's appointment was set and everything went down yesterday. She had a CT, a PET scan another biopsy, and her Porta cath surgery all in the same day. I can honestly say  it was the longest day of my life and it was a day of trying to stay occupied and lots of prayer. We had so many people praying for mom and I truly believe in the power of prayer and I feel like He was listening because we got the best news you can ever get about cancer. We already knew her tumors (yes tumors 2 right next to each other) had spread to the lymph nodes under her arm, but they did not find anything else anywhere else!

PRAISE THE LORD! 

Right now I believe she will have chemo and then surgery. I know not many people read my blog, but if you do would you pretty please keep my mama in your prayers. Pray for a quick recovery, no side affects, and the fastest remission possible. 

This is the PG version of what I really want to say about the C word!

My mom is the toughest woman I know and she is going to come out on the other side of this stronger and more fabulous then she already is.